


The Stigma

by MeredithBrody



Category: Designated Survivor (TV)
Genre: alex is dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 16:50:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15005180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: Leo tries to figure out why he's having so much trouble.





	The Stigma

**Author's Note:**

> This oneshot was inspired by the new As It Is song, ["The Stigma (Boys Don't Cry)".](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxV1Jwg9xCk) It's a fantastic commentary on this facet of toxic masculinity and the fact that it's being addressed in such a way will hopefully help people see exactly how harmful this particular mindset is. The lyrics alone don't do justice to the song and I recommend everyone give it a listen. The music video is kind of dark though, but it is linked above. 

******_I see a pain behind your eyes_**    
 ** _I know you feel it everyday_**    
 ** _It's like a light that slowly dies_**    
 ** _But it's better not to say_**    
 ** _It's better not to say such things out loud_**    
 ** _Just close your eyes and bite your tongue for now_**    
 ** _Don't let them see you fall_**

Leo had come to hate looking in the mirror. For the last three months every time he'd looked at himself he could see everything that he didn't want to admit. He could see how much losing his mom was actually hurting him, how much he hated that she wasn't going to be here to see everything that he achieved in his life. At first, he'd thought that he would eventually be able to look himself in the eyes again, but it didn't seem like that was actually as likely as he'd hoped it was.

Everyone asked how he was. They asked how he was coping, but they always quickly moved on to how well he was doing and how it was so great that he was there for Penny. Even once Uncle Trey had come to stay with them he hadn't been able to say anything about how he really felt. Trey hadn't ever said those positive things about his silence about how he felt, but Leo knew that there were things that he shouldn't talk about. That was the way he'd always thought.

He knew that it was society, not his family. They would probably support him if he actually spoke about how he felt, but he just couldn't do it. Every time he sat down with his father or his uncle or anyone else that kept checking up on him his voice faltered and he pushed the feelings down again. Nobody else needed to know how much he was struggling. Nobody needed to hear that he was in pain. His father and Penny needed to be the priority for most people. They needed far more support than he did.

The look in his eyes though, he couldn't hide it from himself. He knew himself that he was a minute from breaking down at any given time and he didn't think that it was something that he should say out loud. Even when he wanted to it was too hard. Saying out loud what he was feeling inside was a step that he wasn't sure that he was actually ready to take. Biting his tongue and hoping for the best had certainly worked well for him so far. 

 ** _You feel an emptiness inside_**    
 ** _How it sinks into your soul_**    
 ** _But it's nothing you can't hide;_**    
 ** _Just forget about the hole beneath your skin_**    
 ** _That's swallowing the best of you within_**    
 ** _Don't let them see you fall_**

Six months after losing his mom and Leo had to admit that he wasn't okay. He just felt numb and empty. He should be excited, he'd be starting college soon. He'd be studying half the country away and would finally have some independence. He knew that, unlike a lot of the people he would be with, he would still have a lot of restrictions but he didn't have to worry about money or anything else. None of that was enough to lift him out of this black hole that it felt resided inside him. 

He didn't remember ever feeling like this before last Christmas. Before then he had always thought that he was good at hiding things but he really wasn't. Nothing like he was now. Now he could convince those around him that he was alright. That he missed his mom but that he didn't dwell on it almost every day. He could pretend that it wasn't this chasm inside him that seemed to be sinking him from the inside.

Still, he needed to keep this going. He was getting better at looking in the mirror and seeing himself without the inner turmoil. Leo could see the big brother, the son, the nephew. The person he was supposed to be. The one who had been steady and stoic. What hurt him most that he felt everyone else had let go with how they were feeling and yet Leo still couldn't. He had been told this was the right thing for him to have been doing. How was he supposed to change that now?

There was a chance he'd been a better person before all of this, and that this pain had stolen the best of him, but he didn't know if that was true or if he was just romanticising the person he used to be. Nothing that he was doing here was actually making him feel better but he was going to keep going. He wasn't going to let his emotions rule him. He didn't actually need to cry, he'd be okay eventually.

 ** _Stay strong, hold on_**    
 ** _You've got to keep it together now_**    
 ** _Just dry your eyes_**    
 ** _'Cause_** ** _boys don't cry_**    
 ** _No-_** ** _woah_** ** _,_** ** _'cause_** ** _boys don't cry_**

September wasn't as easy as he had expected it to be. He had thought that he would have settled into his classes easier than he had and homesickness had been a real problem the last few weeks, but Leo knew that if he just held on, stayed strong for another few weeks. Things would even out and he would start to feel normal again. He would start to feel less like nobody would care if he just wasn't there anymore. 

Then he met Daniel, and Leo finally understood what he was doing. Daniel was like a mirror that could speak. He had lost his mother just before Christmas, he had a younger sister and sure... his father wasn't the President but that wasn't relevant to their feelings. Daniel actually understood how Leo was feeling and more than that he had the best advice, something that Leo had needed to hear, and that he didn't even know had been stifling him. 

" _You've always been told that boys don't cry, we've got to be big and strong. Sometimes we have to cry._ "

Boys didn't cry. That was exactly what he'd always been told, but Daniel was right. Leo hadn't let himself cry even once, despite seeing the rest of his family doing so. He felt that he needed to keep it inside and that was why he was feeling like hell, and he hadn't even known. That night he finally sat and talked to someone about his mom. He started to talk and that led to him crying. It was amazing what the emotional unburdening did for him.

He learnt a valuable lesson. Maybe boys didn't cry, but men did.


End file.
